It always goes against my better judgement to post a "joke" that's been sent to me via e-mail. And posting jokes tends to come back to bite me in the butt. But I thought this was very clever... Doug (who is a Uniquely Coordinated and Chronologically Gifted American)
The other night we were reading to our pre-adults one of our favorite holiday stories, Rudolph the Nasally Empowered Reindeer. It’s the moving story of how Rudolph leads the struggle to secure fair working conditions from the bearded slave driver. (For every 4 hours on the job, the reindeer rank and file receive a ninety minute dinner break, and three fifteen minute breaks. The mandatory retirement age is lowered to eight years, after which the reindeer receive a full pension and lifetime health care.) This tale remains a poignant reminder of how important it is to be sensitive to the needs of others.
So in that spirit, we would like to share with you a few helpful tips from the Official Politically Correct Handbook. Lest your next conversation turn out to be an incomplete success, be sure to use the correct terms noted below, which are followed by their definitions.
Differently interesting. Boring. Also: charm-free
Alternatively schooled. Uneducated; illiterate
Indefinitely idled. Unemployed. See also: involuntarily leisured; nonwaged; occupationally dispossessed
Alternative dentition. False teeth
Uniquely proficient. Incompetent
Chronologically gifted. Old. See also: experientially enhanced; longer living; mature; senior; seasoned
Client of the correctional system. A prisoner. See also: guest
Cruelty-free products. Products that do not contain animal ingredients and are not tested on animals. Example: Despite the fact that her perfume was cruelty-free, Lucinda was denied a seat in the discretionary-fragrance-free
section of her favorite restaurant
Deficiency achievement. A nonjudgmental educational term meaning “failure.”
Canine-American. A dog who resides in the United States
Handi-capable. Gifted with a physical disability. Similar: “stutterrific“ (for a person who stutters), “squintessentially great” (for an individual who squints), and for the brain-dead or permanently comatose, “veget-able.”
Horizontally challenged. Fat. See also: alternative body image; differently sized
Incomplete success. Failure.
Knowledge-base nonpossessor. A person, especially a student, who know absolutely nothing about a given subject; an ignoramus
Least best. Worst
Additional preparation. A nonjudgmental educational term for “remedial instruction.” The word “remedial” is unacceptable because it “blames” students by implying they have a deficiency which needs to be corrected.
Advanced readiness seminars. Special classes for students who need
Mineral companion. Nonkingdomist term for “pet rock”
Morally different. Dishonest; immoral; evil. Example: Pol Pot was a morally different person
Motivationally deficient. Lazy. Because the word “deficient” has the quality of “blaming the victim” for a condition more properly attributed to the failures of society, this phrase is more and more frequently being replaced by the less judgmental motivationally dispossessed.
Nondiscretionary fragrance. A natural body odor Example: “I sense the nondiscretionary fragrance of a rodent-American,” observed the suspicious detective.
Non-goal-oriented members of society. A nonjudgmental term for those who were once dismissed as “bums.”
Hand-held American. A puppet designed, built, or manipulated by a person born or residing in the United States
Nontraditional shopper. Looter, shoplifter.
Diagnostic misadventure of high magnitude. Accidental death of a hospital patient caused by malpractice during the examination process. An accidental death caused by the treatment itself is known as a therapeutic misadventure.
Non-living person. A culturally sensitive synonym for “corpse.”
Batchild. nonsexist alternative to batboy. Example: “That’s not an error-that’s a differently fielded grounder!” exclaimed the batchild to the ballchild as the shortstop bobbled the ball.
Uniquely coordinated. Clumsy
Difficult to serve. Nonjudgmental educators’ term for “anti-social.” Example: Mr. Wambash was robbed at gunpoint by one of his difficult to serve students
Waitron. “A person of either sex who waits on tables; waiter or waitress.” Example: “Waitron, there’s a nonhuman animal in my soup!”
If you haven’t already been employing these terms, then this is the best time to start.
Tonight our pre-adults will be treated to Frosty the Persun of Snow. It’s the touching story of one brave Snowpersun’s struggle to raise awareness of the frightful effects of Global Warming. Frosty heroically leads a March on Washington D.C. but in the process, Frosty slowly, tragically turns into slush.