Empathy and ITEM

 

I have given a breakout talk at our state school library/technology conference every year except one since 1990. You'd think the conference organizers would have gotten wise by now. This year my talk is called "Developing Empathy in Every Learner." I created the presentation a few years ago as an online presentation but I don't think I ever given it F2F.

In my dotage, my FOMO seems to be lessening and am not making the least bit of effort to present on topics at the bleeding/leading edge of either technology or school libraries. I will leave those topics to younger, more rabid practitioners. Instead, I want to go deeper into more the foundational areas of education which to me are more important and interesting anyway.

So here's a snippet from my Friday talk:

What surprised me in my research ... was not learning what empathy is - but what it is not. In trying to synthesize some things, here are a few "myths of empathy": 

1. Empathy is a value. Jonathan Aberman states that is a tool, like reading, writing or computer literacy, not a value. Sounds harsh, but empathy is not always used in positive ways. One can use empathy to manipulate!
2. Empathy is a weakness - it's is the same as being a pushover. Far from it. Those who have learned to understand the feelings, motivations and others actually have a tremendous advantage in any relationship. (Think about how knowing what buttons to push could make your brother or sister really angry!)
3. Empathy comes in only one flavor. Yes there is the emotional, touchy-feely side of empathy, but there is also cognitive empathy. (Some would add compassionate empathy as well.)
4. Empathy means sharing others values - not disagreeing with them. Not at all. One can understand another's values, point-of view, and respect their conclusions, but not agree with them. You can be empathetic and try to persuade others to change their minds.
5. Empathy is a natural attribute - you have it or you don't. Many writers, including Art Costa in his Habits of Mind, combine empathy and listening as interdependent skills. If we can help people become better listeners, it follows that we can help people be more empathetic. There are many activities (another area I am still reseaching) designed to build empathic skills.
6. Empathy should be an attribute of followers, rather than leaders. In "Habit 5 - Seek first to understand"- of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,  Stephen Covey writes, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Highly effective people, especially leaders, actually listen - in order to lead more effectively. 
7. Empathy is only necessary when trying to understand what others are saying. If one wants to "sell" others on an idea, a project, or a value, one must understand that the WIIFM (What's In It For Me) criteria that has to be met to make the sale. And one has to understand other's needs in order to offer a meaningful WIIFM argument. Pink in his book To Sell Is Human, calls this "perspective-taking" and is "an essential quality in moving others today."

Like many of you I'm sure, I believe empathy has intrinsic value. It makes us better human beings, adds richness to our lives, and simply makes the world a better place in which to live. But education has become wholly oriented toward vocational/academic training. So real educators must again revert to subversiveness, assuring parents and politicials that empathy is a "business skill" - a "21st century skill - a "leadership" skill.

If that's what it takes, so be it.

Looking forward to seeing my Minnesota library world colleagues at the conference!

Find your teachers and tell them: guest post by Kelly Silwani

Kelly Silwani, a past president of the Ohio Educational Library Media Association, shared a lovely response to my blog post "Kind act of the year award" about finding and recognizing teachers who have made a difference in our lives.  I asked her if she would be willing to expand her comment into a guest blog post and she was kind enough to do so. Find the touching reminisce below...

My grandmother, Mabel Motts, is in the middle row, far right with the polka dotted dress.  Miss Thomas is right below her with the white blouse with the bow.

I’ll let you in on a little secret . . . I have a ritual that I perform every year on the first day of school. Before I turn on the lights in the library, I stop inside the entrance and say, “I made it grandma.” My grandmother is no longer with us, and passed away before I got my first job as a teacher-librarian, but she was very influential in my life, helping me to become the person, the teacher, the librarian, I am now.

Maybe it was melancholy or nostalgia, I’m not sure, but whatever it was, I spent a lot of time this last summer reflecting on the people in my life, who were great examples of what it meant to be a great teacher. One in particular, Miss Thomas, was my second grade teacher. The more I thought about her, remembered what she did for me, the more I wanted to tell her how important she was, but I had no clue where to find her and Google was no help. As the summer went by, she was in my thoughts almost every single day. I had to find her and tell her. She needed to know her support for my love of reading, her kindness, and her faith in us as students, put me on the path to becoming a school librarian. As fate would have it, I happen to be a member of a Facebook group that supports alumni from the school district I attended. I decided to take a chance and reached out to the group. In July, I posted a question and asked if anyone remembered her or knew how to contact her. Within a few hours, and through the magic of the internet, someone sent me a private message with her contact information.

When Miss Thomas and I spoke by phone a few days later, I made sure right away to let her know how much she influenced the woman and teacher I am now. She commented how wonderful it was to hear what I had to say, because she always wondered if she ever really made a difference in the lives of any of her students. I assured her she influenced so many of us and offered to add her to the alumni Facebook group so she could see for herself all the wonderful comments her former students made about her, and read for herself how she influenced them. Our talked turned to my grandmother because I knew Miss Thomas and my grandmother had taught at the same school. She said she believed her first year of teaching was the last year my grandmother taught.

Shortly after that phone conversation, I visited Miss Thomas at her home. She shared sweet stories about my brother, cousin, and me. She talked about her path to becoming a teacher and her life now. I shared with her my journey, stories about my husband and kids, my love of reading and teaching and what it meant to me to be able to share all of that with her. She pulled out a photo album to show me. Back in the day, the school would take a picture of each class with their teacher and a separate photo of all the staff members in the school. As I turned the page of the album, there in the first staff photo was my grandmother. All at once so many emotions poured into me . . . love, loss, missing her, wishing she was still here to share my life and who I’ve become . . .so many things I just can’t put into words. I had seen so many pictures of my grandmother but never, ever one of her as a teacher. In that moment I was connected to my grandmother across time . . .teacher to teacher. By reaching out to my 2nd grade teacher to share her impact on me, I was given a gift. A gift I would have never known had I not dared to find her.

This year, as I walked into the library on the first day of school I said something a little bit different. I said, “I made it grandma. I made it Miss Thomas. Thank you both for being in my life.”

Please find your teachers. Please tell them how they helped you or saved you or inspired you. They need to hear it. In my case, not only did my teacher help me and inspire me when I was a kid . . .but again, as a kid all grown up.

Kelly Silwani @silwani4scifi

My second grade class. I’m in the bottom row, second from the right.

My autobibliography

I plan to retire from my day job next summer. Unless I am fired first, I guess.

Anyway, in looking for ways to economize as all the expert "wealth management" folks advise, I have begun transferring storage and access to my published writings off the commercial webhosting site I have been using and on to a Google Site.

The move has brought home to me just how damn much writing I've done since 1990. (A children's story in Cricket Magazine and a column in School Library Journal were my first publications at the ripe old age of 38.) Surprisingly to me, I've since written 149 additional articles, talks, book chapters, editorials, and posters since them. I submitted two articles this month to Educational Leadership and CIOReview. I'm slowing, but not stopping. You can find my autobibliography* of articles here.

I am also in the process of moving all 246 columns I have written during this time as well. It's a slow process since I find my own writing to be amusing and have to re-read a lot of the old stuff.

All except for Machines Are the Easy Part; People Are the Hard Part, you will need to actually purchase my 7 my books. (9 if you could 2nd editions.) And of course there are the 2916 Blue Skunk blog posts (2917 when I publish this one) I've written since 2005.

An old article "Why I Write for Publication" still reflects my motivation for writing. And the reasons are all pretty much work related. As retirement nears, I plan on writing to still be a part of it. I'm not much interested in writing a novel or short stories. Seems there are plenty of grumpy old guys already writing and travel writers don't seem to be in short supply. I have a few months to find a niche. 

*I think I coined this meaning!

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