How to destroy any school library program

For some reason, e-mails like the one below are inadvertently sent to me now and then.  I find them interesting and think other school library media specialists might as well. - Doug

From: "Screwdisk" <sdisk666@inferno.org>
To: "Wormwood" <wormie@terrafirma.edu>
Subject: How to destroy any school library program
Date: Thur Jan 18, 2007 :10:19 -0500
X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook 8.5
Importance: Scorching

  My dearest Wormwood:

Once again it is my unpleasant duty to report that your job performance in the area of retarding human potential was unsatisfactory during the past year (only two brimstones out of five).  At all the schools in your area, young humans are graduating at higher rate, are displaying a distressing tendency to do more of their own thinking, and are actually seeming to enjoy reading, problem-solving and even, Lucifer Help Us, learning. This cannot continue if we have an ice cube's chance in hell of keeping mankind ignorant, cruel, and brutal.

The single common denominator among all your schools is that they have an active school library program!  Once again it seems you've been reading your e-mail  instead being attentive at our staff meetings and have missed ways to cripple the school library program.  Find below ideas shared at a past meeting on how to effectively disable any library program, not matter what its current strength.

The fiendishly glorious thing about library programs is that they depend upon on a single fragile soul - the school librarian. You get to her, the entire program goes up in flames.

You must convince "madam librarian"  to:

1. Think of  the library as her  program where she sets all the rules, knows all the best practices, and owns all the materials.
   
2. Invite people into the library, but when they actually get there, set rules and expectations that make them feel uncomfortable, even unwelcome.
   
3. Place more emphasis on getting stuff  back and keeping it in order than getting it out and into children's hands.
4. Consider the only productive behaviors in the library to be academic in nature. Pursuits of self-interest mustn't count.
5. Assume people who like getting information in ways other than reading are stupid. Oh, and treat them that way.
   
6. Spend a lot of time making sure the cataloging meets standards. Stay in her back office while doing so. Don't let people say "anal retentive" like it's a bad thing.
   
7. Make sure she lets it be known that books are superior to technology in every way, under every circumstance.
8. Ban kids taking notes and certainly ban the copy/paste command. Make them work for their plagiarized term papers!
   
9. Only select and book talk items she likes to read. Make sure she ignores any nonfiction titles. Claim graphic novels are the devil's handiwork.
10. Make sure she has a set of goals that in no way relate to building or district goals.
11. Assume teachers who do not want to collaborate are bad teachers and treat them as such. Assume administrators who do not automatically value of the library are dolts and troglodytes and treat them as such.
    
12. Always advocate for what is in the best interest of the library - not the library user.
13. Never accept a task that she considers beneath her professional dignity - teaching a class, hosting a study hall, monitoring a test.
14. Develop an adversarial relationship with as many people as possible. Key are the principal, the custodian, the secretary and especially the technology director. 
15. Set as many rules on computer use as possible. Bans all forms of recreational use especially. For first time misuse, take away computer privileges for a minimum of a year.
    
16. Learn to play good cop/bad copy with her library aide. The librarian is  the bad cop.
17.  Make sure she is very, very fussy about her job title. Just make sure she cares deeply about many things no one else cares about.
    
18. Consider everything a collaborative effort, and to take no responsibility for that which could be directly attributed to or blamed on her.
    
19. Develop a good relationship with parents - after she finds out her job may be cut.
20. Whine. At every opportunity.
    

Remember to invoke the pernicious imps of Fear, Powerlessness and Defensiveness at every opportunity. A confident librarian is among the worst of Our enemies! If Earth is ever to truly become the devil’s playground, nasty concepts like critical thinking, tolerance for a diversity of opinions, the ability to empathize with others, and intellectual freedom must be stamped out faster than prison-made license plates. Allow me to remind you once again that with even the least diligence and effort on your part, libraries which support these heresies can be rendered ineffectual.

Fire up, Wormwood! Fire up! Get these librarians in your schools heading down the wrong path. And do make sure it is "down."

Insincerely,
Screwdisk

With apologies to C.S. Lewis

Comments

[Miguel Guhlin]

Funny! Thanks for sharing!