BFTP: Outsourcing Mom

This is a response to Dr. Doug Green's guest post "Should we get rid of technology directors?" on the Dangerously Irrelevant blog. Read it first and come back. I can wait.

From the desk of Superintendent Robert Crabtree, Left Overshoe Public Schools

Dear Dr. Green,

Thank you so much for your timely questions about the necessity of technology directors in schools. In an era of budget cutting, higher accountability and more budget cutting, taking a hard look at all positions in public schools to see which can be eliminated through outsourcing or decentralizing responsibilities is critical if we are to do fiscal due diligence. 

Personally, I am doing everything I can to eliminate my technology director. He is also doing everything he can to eliminate his own position and doing a pretty good job of it - some of it even on purpose.

In fact, outsourcing efforts here at school have worked so well for us (food service, maintenance, insurance, payroll, online education, bus service, and data services), I am extending the concept to my personal life as well. I am preparing a proposal that I will be presenting at the next family board meeting that will result in significant personal cost reductions - the primary savings coming from eliminating the household position "wife/mom." Most duties currently performed by this position will be either outsourced or re-assigned*. The plan calls for:

• Requiring each of the children to cook his and her own meals, do his and her own shopping, do his or her own laundry and maintain assigned portions of the house and yard.
• Providing homework assistance  through on-line tutoring services.
• Supervising and transporting children will be outsourced to a nanny who, because of immigration status, is willing to work for less than minimum wage.
• Contracting moral guidance to a counseling service on an as-needed basis, with Oprah and Dr. Phil providing free day-to-day advice.
• Eliminating tuck in and good night kisses because they have not been empirically proven to impact mental health.
• Negotiating conjugal services with a local independent contractor.

On reflection, the position of "mom" has simply kept our children from accepting responsibility for tasks that should rightfully be theirs. Junior is already four years old and is not yet tying his own shoes and heaven knows when Susie will learn to sew her own clothes with all the moddly-coddling her mother gives her. Had my wife not been opening the door each time he whines, I am convinced the dog would by now have learned to use the door knob and let himself out.

Again, Dr. Green, I appreciate the insight you've provided into eliminating redundant positions in schools. I'll let you know how my plans work out - both at school and at home.

Sincerely,

Dr. Robert "Crabby" Crabtree, Superintendent
Left Overshoe Public Schools
Left Overshoe MN

* Mom will receive training so that she can be "repurposed" in society. 

http://pbskids.org/arthur/friends/mom/index.html

Original post May 25, 2010