The downside of independent living

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Helping seniors and individuals with disabilities to maintain their independence and continue living in their homes.

The quote above is the mission of a nonprofit for which I regularly volunteer. And I am proud to do so. The services provided include giving rides, shopping for/delivering groceries, and doing minor home repairs. Our efforts make many, many people’s lives much easier. 

The work I do for them sometimes gives me a glimpse into older adults’ homes. These are usually modest stand-alone houses, condos, and apartments. Often, the resident’s tenure there has been very long - decades even - and the livingrooms are filled with mementos and photos of meaningful lives. While not fussy, the rooms I see, usually from the doorway, are clean, tidy, and well-maintained.

But now and then I find a truly horrific scene when asked to take groceries from the front door, through the house to the kitchen, past smoldering ashtrays and overflowing cat litter boxes. Or I need to come into the living room to assist the client in getting into or out of a wheelchair, glancing at piles of papers everywhere, overflowing garbage cans, and spotted carpets. Or, I need to remind my client to grab the house keys so I can lock the door and to have a mask since the clinic we will be visiting requires them and see around me all the symptoms of hoarding disorder. (In all fairness, I am an admitted neat-nik.)

The folks whose dwellings are the biggest mess are always single. Several, it seems, have recently lost spouses over the past year or so. Many seem to have no family, no family nearby, or no family with which they maintain a relationship. None can drive. Few seem to have a computer or smartphone. Even more than the hazards of filthy living conditions, I don’t know how they bear the isolation.

Our American culture (white, middle-class culture, anyway) celebrates independence. Personal independence especially. The iconic pioneer who goes it alone, needing no one or nothing to survive, is ingrained in many of us. We see single home ownership as a sign of success. We strive to save enough to be self-sufficient economically in retirement. To admit one needs assistance is a sign of weakness. This results in many older adults remaining in homes which they can no longer maintain, even at the risk of their health and safety.

Leaving a home filled with memory, downsizing, and subjecting oneself to new rules of “assisted living,” has to be one of life’s toughest decisions. But I wonder if our culture’s call for independence doesn’t too often drown out the many benefits of living in a more cooperative senior community. These senior apartment complexes offer a range of support and services. Common areas, meal service, wellness checks, and organized activities are among the amenities. The senior apartment my grandparents lived in was small, but had its own small kitchen where they would make their own breakfast and reheat leftovers from the community noon meal. Too many of us when we think of “senior living” only envision nursing homes filled with senile ancients, nodding off in wheelchaits, the odor of disinfectant permeating the hallways. 

Living in a senior community’s biggest benefit may come from the opportunity to increase human interaction. “Loneliness and social isolation can be as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, researchers warned in a recent webcast, and the problem is particularly acute among seniors, especially during holidays.” reports the HRSA. With forced isolation because of the pandemic, many of my clients seem terribly alone. One nervous woman to whom I give rides to doctor appointments once reported not being out of her small apartment for over a year! 

One fellow for whom I regularly provide rides was widowed a year or so ago. He and I often visit on the drive to and from different appointments about his luck with online dating. To put it mildly, he is frustrated. “All these women want is a free meal,” he complains. So the last time I saw him I related the true story of a personal experience I once had. Five years or so ago, when I was looking for a place to live in my current suburban community, I walked just down the street from my office to a “senior housing cooperative” - a large building of condos designed for the 55+ crowd. In walking into the commons area, I was surrounded by ladies who must have mistaken me for George Clooney or something and was enthusiastically bombarded with testimonials why I should move into their building - Bingo night! Chair aerobics! Pot luck dinners! It’s up to you, sir, I told my passenger, but you might have better luck finding a girlfriend in a place like that than on a dating website.

I appreciate and admire cultures who are more intergenerational in their approach to housing and activities. Parents care for children and their own parents; grandparents care for their grandchildren. Meals can be shared, as can household responsibilities. I’m guessing getting on each others’ nerves is more problematic than being lonely in such homes.

We as a society need to recognize and message that “independent living” comes with a price. Perhaps a higher one than many should be paying.