Treat your parents as you would like your children to treat you
Wednesday, October 11, 2023 at 09:50AM
Mom's high school graduation photo, 1950
Over the past two weekends, my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law, and I have been getting our mom and her cat moved into an assisted-living apartment. Much to her dismay.
Mom is an independent soul who is not exactly a social butterfly. She’s lived in the same small house in the same small town in Iowa for the past thirty years, quite happily. But over the past couple years her “independent” living abilities have diminished.
A couple years ago, a minor auto accident made Mom’s vehicle undrivable and the policeman investigating took her license away. This led to a dependence on others, especially my brother, to transport her. She became increasingly isolated. No church, no out-of-town visits, no grocery shopping. COVID, of course, exacerbated this.
Sadly. Mom’s cognitive abilities have been in significant decline as well. Her memory is very poor. She began leaving the door to her house open and “critters” had been getting in eating the cat food on the kitchen floor. She started to become lost on neighborhood walks. Her diet seemed to consist of peppermint candy and raisin bread, despite getting Meals on Wheels. A lifetime reader, she now spends her days doing Word Search puzzles. The house was not clean.
Mom’s move was made imperative by my brother’s plan to stay in his wife’s home in the Philippines over the winter. Having carried more than his share (along with his wife) of Mom’s care, he deserves the break from the winter weather.
To be frank, Mom resisted the move, insisting that she could fend for herself and her neighbors could help her when needed, crying or losing her temper when the subject was raised. While she does indeed have generous neighbors, we felt neither they nor social service workers “looking in on her” were a good option. She said little (and only lost her temper twice), as we checked out the new apartment the weekend before last and moved her belongings in last weekend.
The small apartment has a kitchenette with space for a fridge, microwave, and toaster plus a kitchen counter for dining. The living room has a large window through which she can view her bird feeders and on which the cat can sprawl. The bedroom is just large enough for a twin bed. The bathroom has a walk-in shower and room for the litter box. All meals are provided and she gets personal services as needed. I think I could live there.
So she and her cat are now residents. So far she seems rather happy, but I am sure adjustment will take some time. We are hoping she will take advantage of the activities, group meals, and house-keeping the residence provides. That she makes friends. That the cat does not escape.
This has been difficult, I have to admit. Not just for Mom, but for my siblings and me as well. We were raised to “honor our parents” and Mom gave us little reason, as I remember, not to do so. Except fixing liver and onions. Making one’s parent sad, angry, and confused, even for their own safety, is depressing, to say the least.
My lesson from this has been to think hard about how I will react to my own children’s requests/demands that I change my living arrangements when my own faculties decline (even more than they already have). They know my long-held hope is that I will be killed falling from a cliff when hiking (he died with his hiking boots on), but the odds of that may not be good. I simply hope I go to my great reward before slipping into total senility. And if not, that I am a reasonable person to the end.
Any reader suggestion on how to ease these sorts of transitions?
Moving day
Reader Comments (8)
I think she will find life much easier and I predict her health will improve.
I’ll send a note to her. Dad would have been happier if he could have taken his cat.
Thanks for the note, Kathy. I hope Mom eats better and is less bored. And yes, she is happy to have her cat! (I didn't know Uncle Jack was a cat person.)
Doug
My dad (90 years old) is now bedridden - and unfortunately in California so I am unable to visit. He does live with my sister who is doing an amazing job taking care of him. He is pain-free and eating, so at least is not suffering. For what it is worth, I appreciate your concern for her and applaud you for all the effort you have given her. I know that if she raised a son like you she is a wonderful person and deserve all the best.
I feel for you. My parents are both 96 years old, and living in their own home. We are also noticing cognitive decline, especially in my Mom. Three of us, as well as several grand children live close by, and do all the driving (mostly doctors appointments!) We don’t even want to think about what we will do when the first one dies…
Good luck. Hope your Mom enjoys her new space.
I'm afraid I have no suggestions for you, Doug. These are heartbreaking transitions, to be sure. My father cared for my dementia-suffering mother as long as he could before making arrangements for her residence in a nearby facility. He turned to his oldest and youngest sons to actually take her there the day she moved--he was already emotionally devastated by having made the decision, and couldn't bear to be there on the day of. He visited her the day after, however, and every day after that, for years.
Best wishes to you and your family as you all learn to adapt to the changes.
Hi Kenn, Annette, and Richard,
I appreciate your comments. I am surprised by how many of my readers are experiencing similar situations with their parents. Good to know, I guess, one is not alone.
Doug
I don't have any experience with this, but we are keeping a close watch on an aunt of mine who is showing signs of dementia. I know it's probably a tough transition for your mom, but I suspect she will adjust before long and come to like it. I'm so glad she could take her cat! I know her kitty will be a great companion and help improve things. I'd love to read an update on your mom later on when she settles in. Sending good thoughts to you and your siblings.
Hi Mandy,
I appreciate your note. Sadly, Mom's growing dementia is making her transition somewhat difficult. But I do hope she is able to adjust!
Doug