The lesson of advice columns

Dear Abby, dear Abby
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood John Prine

 I have to admit that I am a regular advice column reader and always have been. These include Dear Abby, Dear Ann Landers, Dear Miss Manners, Ask Amy, Ask Carolyn - even columns on health and automotive advice. Like reading my horoscope each day, I immediately forget any advice given.

Personal advice columns too often have this sort of content:

Dear Miss Advice Giver,

My husband and I have been married for 37 years* and he has an annoying habit - he picks his teeth at the table and refuses to discuss it with me. My children are no longer speaking to me and my mother-in-law is mean to me. I am a recovering alcoholic and have ADHD. What should I do?

Confused in New Jersey,

Dear Confused:

Get counseling.

Advice giver

Reading advice columns has made me realize that problems are far more interesting than the solutions for them. I guess I’ve known this for a long time. Many years ago I wrote a blog post on Christmas gifts I would like to bestow on my grandchildren. One of these gifts was:

Problems. Yes, I am giving you lots of problems as a gift. You may be an old man like me before you come to appreciate this package, but it may be the most valuable one you receive. Problems engage our minds. Problems make us creative. Problems (and finding solutions to them) give you self-worth. Problems keep life from getting boring. Problems can make life fun - really! When you put these in your pocket, they may feel like a burden, but they are boosters.

Like many retirees, I get bored on occasion. Is it because I have a shortage of problems in my life? I can just see the fingers rubbing and people saying, “This is a miniature violin playing My Heart Bleeds for You.” Ah, well, I am sure if I am patient, a problem or two will present itself in the not-too-distant future…

*I always wonder why people put up with a spouse’s annoying behavior for 37 years and then suddenly decide to ask for advice.