A heart-felt column by Leslie Yoder
Friday, July 23, 2010 at 05:51PM I recognize that this is off-topic for the Blue Skunk, but I wanted to share [with permission] this column written by my friend (and state school library organization past-president), Leslie Yoder. The letter is in response to an ultra-conservative column against gay marriage by the columnist, Kathrine Kersten. No matter what your position on this issue, this is a great example of the power of a personal story, especially when well told. - Doug
http://www.startribune.com/opinion/commentary
Last update: July 22, 2010 - 6:45 PM
What would Kersten do, in my shoes? By LESLIE YODER
Two gay children -- one of them is raising a family, and the other someday might. How can that be so feared?
Valentine's Day 2004. My husband is checking phone messages. Suddenly, he hands me the phone. "Sit down,'' he says. "You need to listen to this."
Alix, my 24-year-old daughter, has left messages from her home in San Francisco: "I don't know if you are watching the news, but Holly and I just waited three hours in line at City Hall for a marriage certificate." And then, "Mom, we just got married!"
A bittersweet mixture of feelings overwhelms me: surprise, happiness, sadness that my firstborn and only daughter has married and I wasn't there.
I knew Alix was gay from about the time she was in junior high. She struggled with the reality but did not want to discuss her sexuality with me, so I helped her find counseling to work through her fears. She made use of school and community resources as well.
In columnist Katherine Kersten's world ("Gay-marriage efforts build, ominously," July 18), the issue of gay marriage is black-and-white. Her writing about it is filled with hyperbole and fear-mongering. I can't help wondering what would happen if a gay child invaded her world.
What would Kersten do? Would she disown the wayward child?
In March 2004, the California Supreme Court halted the San Francisco weddings, and a few months later my daughter and her partner received a letter declaring their marriage "a legal nullity and void from its inception."
How would Kersten feel? Would she be happy about this?
"A legal nullity." The commitment, however, is real. That year we celebrated it with family and friends -- twice -- first on the West Coast and later here in Minnesota.
With Charlie, my youngest child, it was different: It is the 2003 high-school basketball season, and we are at one of his games. He is called for a personal foul. "That's OK, ref!'' a woman shouts from the bleachers. "He likes to hold hands with boys!" The voice belongs to the mother of one of his friends.
One rainy night the previous spring, Charlie had asked me to join him for a walk. The last thing I expected was the announcement that he is gay. Caught off-guard, I did not earn any Mother of the Year awards. The first words out of my mouth were: "Are you sure?" And then: "But you'd have made such a good dad." Ever the wise soul, Charlie countered with: "What makes you think I'm not going to be a dad?"
What would Kersten do? Would she tell her son that fatherhood is not an option?
I love my children. I like and respect the adults they have become. My struggle with their sexuality is not about homophobia. It's about battle fatigue from the relentless judgment of people like Katherine Kersten.
"Chaotic" is how I describe my own childhood. My story of alcoholic parents and foster homes is not a pretty one; I've worked hard to be a good mother, to create a stable home for my three children. I also wanted a "normal" life for myself. Being the mother of two gay kids was not part of my plan.
Life became richer and more complex when Alix and Holly decided to become parents. When my husband and I told friends and relatives that we were about to become grandparents for the first time, we received brief congratulations -- and then questions: "Why?" "Who?" "How?"
At times it was annoying. But I understood. I had asked the same questions when I heard the good news.
How would Kersten react? Would the child be unloved?
When I was growing up in the 1960s, our culture was undergoing a sea change. The same thing is happening now. Rather than reacting in fear, we need to consider stepping in and gaining some understanding of the real people involved.
Then perhaps people like Kersten might be able to see my Alix and my Charlie in the same approving way they would see my straight son, Ben, who got married last summer to a lovely young woman.
I wish that Kersten could meet Alix and Holly and their 15-month-old son. I wish she could see their love and strong bond as a family. I wish she could see how the three of them, looking nothing like a "traditional" family, epitomize America's core values of love, trust and security.
Could she then tell me to my face that these young people did not deserve the dignity of marriage and the equal rights that come with it?
Leslie Yoder is a teacher in St. Paul.
Reader Comments (15)
Excellent letter and one my Mother would totally agree with. My partner and I have been together 14 years, she helped me turn 2 ornery teenagers into 2 interesting adults and we are a family. I would give my eyeteeth if we could get married and didn't have to haul a 2 stack of legal documents along with us every time one of us has a medical issue. I fail to see how having the state recognize our union will bring about the end of civilization as we know it.
Very moving letter. Whatever one's opinion on this issue, surely opponents must recognize the very real pain imposed on an entire section of society being denied a human need. Yet those opponents never seem to acknowledge the fundamental humanity ( let alone rights) of the gay population. Surely, for these proponents of family values, allowing two people to engage in a loving, committed relationship is the very essence of what they preach?
Thanks Doug for bringing this story to more readers. When Leslie shared this story with me I was once again impressed with the heart and eloquence with which she speaks. This would be a simple story of a mother's love for her children if not for the closed-minded bigotry so many must face on a daily basis. You know, I have always believed in people, that they are kind and good. I don't know what happens to someone to make them so afraid of folks that are different from themselves. I hope that we can make a difference by teaching the students we touch every day to be open-minded, kind and good.
Thanks for sharing this, Doug! I do believe that our society is becoming more accepting -- in today's local paper (whose editorial policy is usually slightly to the right of Attila the Hun) was a half-page ad for a GLBT wedding expo!
Doug, thanks for sharing. My daughter and her partner have been in a stable, loving relationship for seven years and have 3 wonderful children. My grandchildren are the light of my life and they are happy, well behaved, well-adjusted kids who excel in school and (to make a librarian grandmother's heart swell!) love to read. My daughter and her partner deserve the same benefits that "traditional" couples receive as a result of the legal contract we call marriage. I am constantly amazed, bewildered, and angered by the closed-minded and bigoted people who refuse to see these couples as anything other than honest, hard-working citizens and loving parents. It's as bad as a person I know who refused to teach Bible school one year because she said she was afraid of one of the children who had achondroplasia. And we call ourselves and enlightened society.
Hi Guusje,
Well, enough letters like Leslie's and this whole issue should be resolved. I've never understood why others find gay marriage threatening to themselves. Now marriage in general is a thing to be feared ;-)
Doug
Jeri,
Unfortunately what people preach and what they do are too often different things. I believe this will be a non-issue, much like interracial marriage is today, before I croak.
Doug
Hi Tori,
I think most adults are like kids - one on one they are wonderful, but get them in groups (like political parties) and they turn mean. Don't know why that happens.
Kindness and compassion - I we all work to instill this in our kids - especially by example.
All the best,
Doug
Hi Alice,
My cynical side says that if there is money to be made, the far right will support anything!
But I agree that the country as a whole is becoming more accepting. Let's hope it continues.
Good to hear from you!
Doug
Hi Martha,
I am guessing there are quite a few grandparents like you around the world!
Doug
Doug - I realize that this is your blog and you have the right to post anything and everything you choose. I was a little surprised that you decided to add this as a topic considering you previous posts.
My biggest concern is that anyone giving a different opinion will likely be seen as a homophobic simply for holding a different view.
Marriage is marriage - always has been, and always should be. Does this mean I don't love my family and friends? Does this mean that I don't care about people? Does this mean I automatically hate certain people?
Why would anyone make that automatic assumption? I hope than none here do.
Obviously this is not a simple topic with a simple answer - but I do hope that those who disagree on this topic do not immediate make assumptions about each other. We can all agree that families are the foundation of any society - let us focus on what we agree upon and have rational, mature discussions on what we disagree upon.
HI Kenn,
I agree that this was certainly off topic and more "political" than I like to be in this blog.
This issue had always been a very philosophical, rather than personal one, for me. No one that I know in my immediate family has been impacted one way or the other by gay marriage or the lack thereof. But Leslie's letter, coming from a personal friend, made the issue quite personal. I thought no matter how one feels about the issue, one has to admit personalizing the debate is a very powerful tool - one that those of us who argue educational issues might emulate.
And I guess, on Leslie's behalf, I am helping her reach a wider audience who might be moved by her message. I have yet to hear a credible, evidence-based argument against gay marriage - an instance in which someone was truly harmed by gays marrying. Maybe such examples exist and if you know them, I am happy to print such a story as well. I know there are some theological arguments against homosexuality, but my sense of Jesus is that if he accepted the poor, the sick, tax collectors, and prostitutes, he probably wasn't too hung up on gays either. But that's my own personal belief.
I suspect this post may have cost me some readers, but then popularity has never really been my goal. Making a difference has.
Thanks for the comment,
Doug
Doug - thank you for the response. I appreciate your honestly - and don't worry, I still plan to read your future posts...too good to miss.
I wish those people who are against gay marriage would focus their attention instead on encouraging everyone to take marriage and parenting more seriously. All the gay married couples I know (and I know quite a few) happen to be wonderful examples of loving, committed, couples and dedicated parents. I can think of quite a few straight couples who really should never have gotten married or had children in the first place, but I think they did it because they thought that was what they were supposed to do. It's not being gay that threatens the institution of marriage - it's not approaching it with the right attitude!
Doug,
Hey, I really appreciated your post, your sincerity, and your heart-felt and kind response to Kenn. Way to go.
I feel like I've gotten to know Kathrine over the years from her columns, and I'm not sure I'd describe her as ultra-conservative. In any case, she has always struck me as quite thoughtful (even if I occasionally disagree with her) and I think kind. In response to Leslie's questions about whether or not she would stop loving a gay child, I feel like I immediately know the answer, because I assume that her answer would be much like mine: of course not - even though I could not embrace what they were doing.
I know that this sounds tantamount to not accepting them for all that they truly are and resigning them to second-class citizenship and everything else, but I simply can't see it this way.
Kathrine has written on this before, and of course, people have written in to the newspaper in response to her columns. I actually wrote a response to one of those responses a while back, sent it, and then wrote the editor again and asked him not to print it if he was thinking about it: partly because of fear (I confess) - attaching my full name to the letter - and partly because my wife told me that it was confusing (cutting it down to 250 words, it really wasn't possible to make clear that Kathrine, in her letter, had asked why those who were so concerned about the effects of human's actions on the environment were not disposed to think about the possible wider repercussions of celebrating homosexuality [i.e. in response to the oft-asked questions: "how does it affect you?, your marriage?, etc]).
With that caveat, here is what I wrote:
Responding to Katherine Kersten’s gay marriage column, Mary Swanson asserts that the purpose of marriage is not related to “how boys and girls flourish best”. She emphasizes it is a contract “based on property rights and inheritance” between household heads and their progeny.
The words “contract” and “progeny” invite more, not less, discussion. Nevertheless, let us focus on her contention that marriage is not anchored in biological and social facts (i.e., that it attaches parents to their children).
Many lawmakers increasingly think of fathers as wholly superfluous to the task of raising a healthy, well-adjusted citizenry (in the U.K., women obtaining donor sperm need not even provide assurance the child will have a “father-figure” in its life). However, thousands of years ago, the law-giver Lipit-Ishtar said: “I made the father support his children. I made the child support his father. I made the father stand by his children.” Sociologist David Blankenhorn insists marriage “shapes the rights and obligations of parenthood”.
If this is disregarded, the following questions may never be asked, or even considered: “What might it mean that, barring complications, only the act of man-woman love results in the fruit of children?”; “How might the differences between the sexes be valuable, even necessary?”; “Is it reasonable to infer that two loving opposite sex parents are at least preferable to two loving same-sex parents?”
In my mind, that people would not at least consider many environmentalists’ concerns seems unnatural. Likewise that people would not ask or seriously weigh theses questions."
Like you said, kind of philosophical, not too personal. Well, let me make it personal to. I have known many persons who have homosexual desires and I know gay couples. I love them - but I love them in the way a person loves an alcoholic. If we go to the dentist and he judges that we have a cavity, that does not mean that he hates them - it just means that the truth sometimes hurts.
I know that this explanation will not be acceptable to some people. So be it. I love them to, even if they think me a bigot and hater.
Best,
Nathan
Hi Nathan,
As always, I feel I gain more from reading the comments of those who post than my readers do from anything I may write. Thank you for your comments especially.
I suspect this is a topic on which one rarely persuades another to change their values. And while I still don't agree with some of your basic views (homosexuality = alcoholism), I am happy to provide a forum for others to read your ideas and judge for themselves.
As I indicated to Kenn, my purpose in publishing Leslie's letter was more to illustrate the power of a personal story than to advance a particular political or religious view.
My reading of Kersten is that she rarely strays from the official party line of the far right. (I don't like Olbermann on the left for the same reason.) Give me David Brooks or George Will who at least seem to have some original ideas!
Thanks again for your thoughtful response.
Doug
Doug,
Thanks for the kind response. I'm still not sure about Kerstin tracking with the "far right", but maybe I'd have to hear you out more on that (your examples, etc). By the way, I usually don't regret the things I write, or, the way I say things, but I wish that I would have let the line: "I love them - but I love them in the way a person loves an alcoholic" out, since it leant itself to be understood the way you did. My point was not so much to equate the two things, but to emphasize that however we may feel abou this most contentious of issues, that it is possible to love someone even if you do not think that what they are doing is good, the best - either personally or in the broader context of society at large, whatever.
THAT is the essential point that I wanted to make: that *all* of us really do believe that we can strongly love persons while also strongly disagreeing with them - and think that it may be, or should be, as opportunities arise, worth telling them that we disagree - not to compare or equate alcholism with homosexuality.
"a particular political or religious view"
I am a Christian, but I have tried to frame my points in reasonable arguments that anyone can understand, and agree with or not (hopefully based on a balance of emotion and reason!) - regardless of their religious or political viewpoint. If I'd want Christianity associated with my point of view at all, it would be to simply point out that Jesus reveals that God loves sinners - which means all of us.
Again, thanks for posting the letter. I really did appreciate the good intentions of the author, and it behooves all of us to think about this issue in the most personal of terms.
Keep up the good work!
~Nathan
Doug,
Leslie was my dearest friend in high school. We kept in touch - mostly just birthdays & holidays until about 20 years ago. You know how things go, I had moved and started yet another chapter in my life. Got busy. Got busier. From time to time over the years I tried to find Leslie to reconnect with an old friend. I never had any luck. Two days ago I came across a photograph taken in 1992 of Leslie's 3 beautiful children sitting astride a giant inflatable alligator toy at a beach. I wasn't looking for photos, and it wasn't found anywhere even close to where my photos are stored but this picture appeared on the workbench. So I set out to try to find her again and I read her letter in your blog with tears of absolute joy!! Thank you for posting!!
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