My 5 rules for being a grown-up

As I believe I have mentioned, I am bad at math. When splitting a check in half — half! — I reliably figure it out wrong. (How is this possible? I don’t know either.) I do a lot of crying while balancing my checkbook, and not just for the usual reasons. I chose my college in part because there was no math requirement. I now muddle by with the help of calculators and software, though if I’m doing basic figuring – money, distances – I usually try to do it manually first, to stay in the habit of doing the actual work of math. Why? Because a grown-up needs to be able to maintain a budget and not run away when her kid asks her to check her homework. That’s just how it is. Mary Elizabeth Williams

Ms Williams writes on Salon (Nov 18, 2103) about her 5 rules for being a grown-up. (Thanks, Stephen Abram, for the tweet about this.) The genesis of her article was a reflection on a Atlantic piece by Miles Kimball and Noah Smith that proposed that when considering competence for something like math “inborn talent is much less important than hard work, preparation, and self-confidence.” 

Williams rules are, that as grown-ups:

We have to move [exercise]

We have to feed ourselves [cook and eat healthily]

We have to be able to write a coherent sentence 

We have to think about other people

We have to do the math [maintain a budget and help with homework]

I have two problems with this list.

First, with the exceptions of numbers 1 and 4, these tasks can be outsourced. Yes, given enough time and energy, a human being can become competent at nearly anything. The question is if the time spent in gaining competence is worth the pay-off. I could learn to become a great pastry chef, although that is not an area in which I have much interest or talent. I could indeed take classes, practice, and probably get pretty good at baking a world-class pumpkin pie. Or I could use my time to write and earn enough from that writing to buy a pumpkin pie at Bakers Square. I can hire others to cook, write, and do math - if I have other talents I can trade in exchange. 

My understanding is that psychologists have demonstrated that we are better off spending time developing our strengths than trying to compensate for our weaknesses. Such an approach seems to me to be one that would lead to greater productivity and a more fulfilling life.

The second problem I have with this small list is that it seems terribly modest to me. I have higher expectations of adults (grown-ups). In my eyes, true adults:

1. Are independent and take responsibility for their own lives. They have left blaming one's parents, teachers, circumstances of birth, physical make-up, etc. behind. They play the hand they've been dealt - and play it for all it's worth. "Responsible adult" is redundant. An adult also recognizes when he/she needs help - and seeks it without shame or embarrassment.
2. Take responsibility for being as healthy as possible. 90% of good health and physical well-being is probably genetic. One doesn't have a lot of choice of being tall, short, fat, thin, pretty, or plug ugly. But the other 10% can make the difference between an active, fulfilling life and one spent on the couch. 
3. Recognize that their actions have an impact on others - including future generations. This ranges from taking the last scrap of toilet paper and not replacing the roll to using environmentally unfriendly detergent to using bad language around children. Adults live lives of purpose, and the best purpose is making the world a better place for others in some large or small way.
4. Understand that monetary wealth does not necessarily bring happiness - and that the source of happiness may be different for different people. Real adults don't use money as a means of calculating personal value. Relationships, adventures, creative projects, and service are the big parts of one's obit, not the size of the estate. But then if adults honor the right to pursue happiness in personal ways, far be it from me to criticize the savers and the hoarders. I don't understand monster truck or ballet aficionados either.
5. Develop a spiritual life and live by a set of personal values. Whether through organized religion, mediation, literature, appreciation of nature, or commitment to the Star Trek fan club, adults seek meaning. And they think about their values - and their value.

Schools should find ways to allow student practice in acting in adult ways - making independent choices, experimenting, and, yes, making mistakes and living with the consequences. Good teachers, like good parents, work themselves out of a job when they are effective.

And I know, at 61, I am still trying to become a grown-up. 

What in your experience is a rule for being an adult?

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Comments

[ksol]

I have to say I disagree with you -- I was in total agreement with her 5 rules. It's not a choice between not cooking and becoming a pastry chef. It can instead be the choice between not cooking and at least being able to throw together a pot of chili so you can eat a little better -- and cheaper. There's time and energy involved in working enough to earn the money to eat in a way that doesn't require cooking. She doesn't need to become a math whiz, but if you can't grasp at least the basics, you're kind of at the mercy of others. (I kept a group of friends from inadvertently leaving a 50%+ tip at a restaurant because I was running the numbers in my head.) Being able to write a coherent sentence changes the way people perceive you and can help you professionally.

None of this on a basic level takes an exceptional amount of time, and all of them support self-sufficiency.

[Kenn Gorman]

I appreciate you adding #5 -

[Tim Staal]

Hi Doug:
I think your 5 rules hit the nail on the head a little more accurately: real adults take responsibility - for themselves, for their health, for their impact on others.
Thanks as usual for the thought-provocation - and yeah - I don't know what I want do when I grow up either.

Tim

[Doug Johnson]

Hi Kathy,

I guess I don't really disagree with this. I do think adults should be able to dress themselves, bath themselves, and do some functional kinds of things including heat up a can of soup and figure a tip in a restaurant. But if you are only going to list 5 grown-up attributes, why waste them on such minor matters that most children should be able to do and really require no maturity at all?

No argument on self-sufficiency, though. I'm just hoping for more out of adults!

Thanks for the challenge!

Doug

Hi Kenn,

Must be my old age, but I am seeing some form of spirituality as important to being human.

Doug

Thanks, Tim. Maybe there is hope for us yet!

Doug

[Bill Storm]

I'm going to venture an educational connection here. I very much like your list (perhaps because we share a common age, I dunno), and in numbers 1 & 3 dwell a connection to the Common Core.

Schooling, up to now, has done a poor job in communicating to kids a vital concept, central to successful adulthood, that has also fallen out of favor in a lot of parenting: what we do and what we say to each other really and truly matter. There's even a corollary to #5 in here, especially as it refers to everyone's development of a sense of self. Who we are, and how others perceive us, has far less to do with the person we think we are, our "identity," than it has to do with what we do and say.

I'm quite excited about the CCSS initiative as I see it bringing much more authentic education to our kids as they learn how to express themselves and make meaning out of the swirl of data we've dumped them into. It takes a whole person to be college and career-ready.

Great, thought-provoking list, Doug!

[Doug Johnson]

Thanks, Bill, for the comment. You observation made me think of the old Burns' line "What a gift the gods would give us, if could see ourselves as others see us." I am wondering if all the attention now being given to bullying in schools may help students (and some adults) learn "what we do and say really matter."

All the best,

Doug